Quotes from the sitcom "Titus"

Titus is one of the funniest and craziest sitcoms I've ever seen. Although the show ran for only three seasons, I wouldn't mind more of the dark comedy!

1. [Ken reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus, in which Titus was naked]
Tommy Shafter: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of the dream!
Christopher Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?
Tommy Shafter: You were a pirate.
[Titus moans in disgust] 

2. Ken Titus: You're being too hard on yourself, son.
Christopher Titus: Son?
Tommy Shafter: Too hard on yourself?
Dave: Being? 

3. Christopher Titus: According to the Los Angeles Times, 63% of families in America are now considered dysfunctional. That means that I'm in the majority. It's the people with the mom, dad, brother, sister, white picket fence, those people are the *freaks*! 

4. Christopher Titus: The normal make a living, the deranged make history. 

5.  Christopher Titus: My mom is crazy. I don't mean My mom is craaazy! I mean We the jury find the defendant... She was diagnosed a manic-depressive, schizophrenic and admitted to a mental care facility. Or, as Dad so eloquently put it...
Ken Titus: Son, your mom is shacked up in the whacko basket. 

6. Christopher Titus: Dave's my brother, I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory! 

7. Christopher Titus: Fifteen years I have chosen *not* to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it. 

8.  Jerry October: You must be Ken Titus, I'm Jerry October, welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life. 

Ken Titus: All these people have kids? 

9. Christopher Titus: Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer... Dad, you know, keeping up with the song. 

10. Christopher Titus: There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says We've got a family members of yours under arrest and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*! 

11. Nancy: I'll call 411 and get the number for 911! 

Dave: She's panicking. I'll call 411 and get the number for 911. 

12.   [about his mother] 

Christopher Titus: Without her it would still be legal in this state to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. 

13. Christopher Titus: The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick. 

14. [running into a police station] 

Christopher Titus: Uh, excuse me. Christopher Titus; my brother's been arrested.
Steve: Who's your brother?
[Chris shakes Steve's hand]
Christopher Titus: You must be new here. 

15. chael: Erin's coming home with us. You got a problem with that? I'd be more than happy to Duke your Earl! 

Christopher Titus: [sarcastically] Oh no, I better protect my Earl!
Tommy Shafter: Yeah, by shamalamming your ding dong!
Michael: He is talking about fighting, right?
Christopher Titus: Probably not. 

16. Christopher Titus: A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief. 

17. Christopher Titus: What do you mean, Dad is dead? 

Dave Titus: I think... dad is dead!
Christopher Titus: Not a lot of gray area here, Dave. Dead? Not dead? Is there a pulse?
Dave Titus: I don't know.
Christopher Titus: I have taken half a day off work. There better be a corpse! I mean... what makes you think he's dead?
Dave Titus: He's been in his room for four days now.
Christopher Titus: Right, and?
Dave Titus: Without getting a beer.
Christopher Titus: Oh, my God.