The Trip To the Mall

WARNING: THIS NOTE IS NOT BASED ON A PERSONAL EXPERIENCE. YOU HAVE BEEN TAGGED BASED SOLELY ON YOUR ABILITY TO LAUGH. :P


Ladies, if you are quite jealous, and you go to the mall with your man, and think he's looking around (at other women), i want to point something out to you... If your man's in the MALL with you...he LOOOOOOVEESSS YOUUU! and! He's not thinking about other women! You know what he's thinking?

"Man, I wish I was doing something productive right now! Like cleaning out the gutters, or coming up with a life goal, or...inventing a car that runs on Shattered Dreams and Lost Faith in Myself!! But instead I'm playing minion to Princess Jealousy here and her Credit Card of Hate!!!" :D :P

And Ladies, another small fact...if you are jealous and with your man in the mall, and you start pointing towards at other chicks, saying "You like her? She's taller than me," or "What about her? She's wearing high heels...", and the guy LOOKS....THAT'S ON YOU! At that point you're just playing our wingman. ;P

What All I Learnt in College: Notes of a Disgruntled BITSian

Tag/Share with as many BITSians as you can!

What all I learnt in college:

1. The more studying you did for the exam, the less sure you are as to which answer they want. 
2. 80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn't read. 
3. Every instructor assumes that you have nothing else to do except study for that instructor's course. 
4. When reviewing your notes before an exam, the most important will be illegible. 


More things I learnt:

1. Don't force it; get a larger hammer. (Workshop) 
2. Any tool when dropped will roll into the least accessible corner of the workshop. (again) 
3. On the way to the corner, any dropped tool will first strike your toes. 
4. If you have to ask, you're not entitled to know. If you don't like the answer, you shouldn't have asked the question. (Esp. MT Abhilash’s classes) 
5. It is better for the college faculty level to be going down the drain than to be coming up it. (As is the present case) 
6. No matter which direction you start it's always against the wind coming back.(Never pee into the wind – moral of Harsha’s aerodynamics lecture) 
7. Any order that can be misunderstood has been misunderstood.(Rule used against AVK) 
8. If you tell the instructor you were late for lab because you had a weak stomach, the next lab you will have a weak stomach.(Analog Electronics Lab 4/5) 
9. If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.(Most EMEC labs) 
10. The legibility and length of a report is inversely proportional to its importance.(SOP) 

Quotes from the sitcom "Titus"

Titus is one of the funniest and craziest sitcoms I've ever seen. Although the show ran for only three seasons, I wouldn't mind more of the dark comedy!

1. [Ken reveals that Tommy had a dream about Titus, in which Titus was naked]
Tommy Shafter: The nudity, it wasn't gratuitous, it was integral to the plot of the dream!
Christopher Titus: [disgusted] There was a plot?
Tommy Shafter: You were a pirate.
[Titus moans in disgust] 

2. Ken Titus: You're being too hard on yourself, son.
Christopher Titus: Son?
Tommy Shafter: Too hard on yourself?
Dave: Being? 

3. Christopher Titus: According to the Los Angeles Times, 63% of families in America are now considered dysfunctional. That means that I'm in the majority. It's the people with the mom, dad, brother, sister, white picket fence, those people are the *freaks*! 

4. Christopher Titus: The normal make a living, the deranged make history. 

5.  Christopher Titus: My mom is crazy. I don't mean My mom is craaazy! I mean We the jury find the defendant... She was diagnosed a manic-depressive, schizophrenic and admitted to a mental care facility. Or, as Dad so eloquently put it...
Ken Titus: Son, your mom is shacked up in the whacko basket. 

6. Christopher Titus: Dave's my brother, I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory! 

7. Christopher Titus: Fifteen years I have chosen *not* to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it. 

8.  Jerry October: You must be Ken Titus, I'm Jerry October, welcome to Life Forward, where people discover what holds them back in life. 

Ken Titus: All these people have kids? 

9. Christopher Titus: Growing up, road trips with Dad were something I hated. Sitting still for hours, singing that stupid song, 100 bottles of beer on the wall. 100 bottles of beer... Dad, you know, keeping up with the song. 

10. Christopher Titus: There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says We've got a family members of yours under arrest and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*! 

11. Nancy: I'll call 411 and get the number for 911! 

Dave: She's panicking. I'll call 411 and get the number for 911. 

12.   [about his mother] 

Christopher Titus: Without her it would still be legal in this state to kill a man with a cappuccino machine. 

13. Christopher Titus: The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick. 

14. [running into a police station] 

Christopher Titus: Uh, excuse me. Christopher Titus; my brother's been arrested.
Steve: Who's your brother?
[Chris shakes Steve's hand]
Christopher Titus: You must be new here. 

15. chael: Erin's coming home with us. You got a problem with that? I'd be more than happy to Duke your Earl! 

Christopher Titus: [sarcastically] Oh no, I better protect my Earl!
Tommy Shafter: Yeah, by shamalamming your ding dong!
Michael: He is talking about fighting, right?
Christopher Titus: Probably not. 

16. Christopher Titus: A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a commonly held belief. 

17. Christopher Titus: What do you mean, Dad is dead? 

Dave Titus: I think... dad is dead!
Christopher Titus: Not a lot of gray area here, Dave. Dead? Not dead? Is there a pulse?
Dave Titus: I don't know.
Christopher Titus: I have taken half a day off work. There better be a corpse! I mean... what makes you think he's dead?
Dave Titus: He's been in his room for four days now.
Christopher Titus: Right, and?
Dave Titus: Without getting a beer.
Christopher Titus: Oh, my God. 

 

Psyche Series - Seinfeld Quotes!!

I have been a Seinfeld fan for so long, it came as a surprise that I haven't yet compiled a list of my favorite quotes from this show. So here goes....

1. The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

2. Telemarketer: Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI Long Distance service?

Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.

Telemarketer: Uh, sorry, we're not allowed to do that.

Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

Telemarketer: No.

Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.

[hangs up]

3. Cosmo Kramer: I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning.

Elaine: I don't understand - you were wearing the pants you were returning?

Cosmo Kramer: Well, I guess I was.

Elaine: What were you going to wear home?

Cosmo Kramer: Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there.

4. [Elaine comes in wearing Mayan clothes]

Jerry: Hola.

Elaine: Shove it.

Jerry: What's with the get up?

Elaine: I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day.

Jerry: No wonder we've been getting so much rain.

5. "No soup for you!" --Soup Nazi

6. ON DATING:

...Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"

...What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

7. ON CLOTHES

...I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

8. TRAVELLING

...You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

9. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

10. "If I had a son, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer." - Kramer, in "The Handicapped Spot"

11. "After he heckled Toby, she got so upset she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky-toe."

"That's unbelievable!"

"Yeah, then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So, I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice and took off for the hospital."

"You ran?"

"No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, 'I got a toe here buddy. Step on it!'"

"Holy cow!"

"Yeah yeah, then all of a sudden this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay's gonna cost her her pinky-toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, 'Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?' I says, 'Well, I got a little prize for you, buddy.' Pwaa! Pwaa! Keeyah! Knocked him out cold!"

"How could you do that?"

"Yeah, then everybody is screaming because the driver, he's passed out because of all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel... Now I'm driving the bus!"

"You're Batman."

"Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So, I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door with my foot at the next stop."

"You kept making all the stops?"

"Well, people kept ringing the bell!"

"What about the toe? What happened to the toe?"

"Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line."

"You did all this for a pinky-toe?"

"Well, it's a valuable appendage."

- Kramer, George and Jerry, in "The Fire"

12. "So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.'"

"No no no no no. It was not trash."

"Was it in the trash?"

"Yes."

"Then it was trash."

"It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top."

"But it was in the cylinder."

"Above the rim."

"Adjacent to refuse is... refuse."

"It was on a magazine. And it still had the doily on."

"Was it eaten?"

"One little bite."

"Well, that's garbage."

"But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt."

"Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum."

- Jerry and George, in "The Gymnast"

13. Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?

Kramer : It's just a write off for them.

Jerry : How is it a write off?

Kramer : They just write it off.

Jerry : Write it off what?

Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything

Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is.

Kramer : Do you?

Jerry : No. I don't.

Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off.

Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.

14. "I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."

"Cheapness is not a sense."

- George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"

15. George: I am not giving you my code.

Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.

George: Yeah, right.

Kramer: Ah, all right, yeah... Let's see... Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Let's go deeper... What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptation.

George: uh...

Kramer: But what tempts you? You're a portly fellow. A bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no... Yours is a sweet tooth.

George: I gotta go.

Kramer: Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master... The cocoa bean! And only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you. If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon... Ovaltine!? Hershey!? Nestle Quick!?"

George: Shut up!

16. “According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

17. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Check out this video - 100 quick quotes from Seinfeld - very funny! :)

Google Hints - Psyche Series!!

A Comic on Twitter - Hilarious!!

(courtesy http://www.phdcomics.com/comics/archive.php?comicid=1198)

The Bourne Ultimatum Spoof - Guillermo in Jimmy Kimmel Live!

CAME ACROSS THIS AWESOME SPOOF OF THE BOURNE ULTIMATUM TRAILER SPOOF. Was totally wicked.Just had to add it to my psyche series. Check it out!!\m/

Get around These Quotes (Psyche Series :P)

"Sure, there's no 'i' in team, but there is an 'm' and an 'e'. -Kevin Meyers"

And the Question is Why...? (Psyche :P) - Series II

And The Question Is Why...?

Why..? Why...? Why..?

Does anything have an answer...? I m sure it possibly does.. but I don't find it...! and now it has started annoying me...! Errr... I didnt want to post this but REALLY cant help...!

Why..? Why...? Why..?



This is the beginning of the latest post of one of the blogs I follow... "Far Far Away....!" authored by one of my friends. I decided to a spoof of the very same post ( And the Question is Why...? ) :P Sorry Sowmie!!
The following questions have picked up from here and there, and ask a good deal out of all those who pretend they know enough about life :P, no offense!!


Why..?Why..Why..?

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are almost dead...?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars; but have to check when you say the paint is still wet...?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard...?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him...?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets...?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes...?

Why is there never a day that mattresses are not on sale...?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized...?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures...?

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over...?

Why do I never hear father-in-law jokes...?

There are many more questions, once I find answers to these, I’ll think about the remaining...!

(Note: All statements in italics have been copied verbatim from the aforementioned post....except this one, of course!! >:P)

Words of a few Geniuses (Psyche!! :P) - Series I

The following are a few ....ahem...ARGUABLE quotes taken from a few well known individuals... plus MY tidbits of wisdom forced onto them :P. This might well be the first of several installments of such a post!!

(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why? Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever," --Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

- I see. Very interesting. Stereotype blonde, or a gift of gab combined with the wild hope that most of the judges are deaf?!?

"Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff." --Mariah Carey

- Aah. The blonde component again. Poor girl, she should be transported to the locales she's watched on TV and left alone to contemplate her dietary issues.

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life," -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign

- Oh really? I wouldn't have noticed. Thanks for bringing it to my attention!!

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body," --Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

- Neither have I. Hey! We have something in common!!

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country," --Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

- Wow. America must be barbaric. All hail!

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." --Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark

- And forty percent mathematical.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." --Al Gore, Vice President

- Wonder what was polluting HIM when he said that.Something gastric, surely.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." -- Dan Quayle

- Wow. 300 miles. He's discovered the time-space continuum theory!

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need ?" --Lee Iacocca

- He was one of the greatest managers ever that Ford had, he's the mind behind the all-time great Ford Mustang, and is even more famous for his effort in dragging Chrysler out from the brink of bankruptcy, and one of my idols. I don't know about you, Mr.Lido - but I could use all the clean air I can.

"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." --Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

- Well, guess what. He's right.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." -- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instrutor.

- I would have simply excluded this line from MY article.

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." --Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

- NOooooo! Just when I wanted them the most!!

"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas." --Keppel Enderbery

- Good to know. Maybe next time they can export HIM.

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." --Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

- Technology knows no bounds. _/\_.

Dronos versus the DUNCE

(The following is a work of fiction, or rather, exaggerated truth, based on a few loose truthful events that took place ;P).

Here's a funny dream about a B-Plan Presentation I had last night....hope you enjoy it!

The scene is:
The presentation team Dronos has just finished filming an ad to repair it's lost reputation.
Dronos is essentially a series of high class, luxury segment watches. The special features include: auto-synchronization according to time zones, high rate of durability, and an accuracy to boast of.

The judge is, let's call her....Mrs. Partiallity Encountering Some Teams, a.k.a PEST.

During the questions round, the audience, which essentially comprises of the team's rivals and competitors (though not necessarily in the same field and segment), there was a multitude of questions asked by the PEST's favourite brand owner.

Let's call him.....Mr. Do U Know Cheating Endures, a.k.a DUNCE.

The DUNCE had already finished his round, where he and his team had showcased a done-to-the-boots idea about a series of gift delivery outlets and a convenient website called E-Blings.

Let's not get into trashing THAT idea now.... reserve it for a later date.

Coming back to the questions round.

Dronos Team members include...for convenience sake...Mr.1, Mr.2, Ms.3, Ms.4 and Mr.5.

The team leader was not apparent...so let's skip that part...but I believe it was either Mr. 2 or Ms. 4

PEST: Let the questions flow!

DUNCE: (immediately rising up, no apparent consultation to his own team mates) What research have you done about your product?

Mr.2: (He’s a brilliant sonofabitch, knows how to handle himself in terse situations like this one) You have to elaborate that.

Ms.4: ( Don't really know her so well, but am hoping to... :P ) The product we have shown is perfect for the ever-traveling businessman of today...Considering the amount of traveling involved, we believe this product is the perfect solution to the time changing patterns.

DUNCE: No, no, I mean - What is your consumer base?

Ms.3: (Very cool under pressure, had earlier changed a potentially drastic situation of bad audio quality to the team's advantage by a clever interplay of words) the consumer base we are aiming for is essentially the higher class businessman.
This mostly includes people who occupy the top positions in the corporate sector, and who have to travel to many countries to settle their deals and acquire more profits for the company.

DUNCE: You haven’t given me any facts or figures. How can you judge the success of the product then?

Mr.2: Well, you want facts and figures... Do you know the O'Hara Airport? (The DUNCE shakes his head)...In Chicago?... (Further shaking)...In the USA??...(Agitated shaking, apparently unaware of the sniggers around)...Well, I suggest YOU do YOUR research on that. Anyway, the facts suggest that there are 40 million unique visitors to this airport every year. Considering that there are hundreds of airports in the world today - you can do the math...Or can you??

Ms.3: And we are looking at a potential 20-25% profit on each product, accounting for the various factors such as R&D and advertising.

DUNCE: Are you sure of your number? What's your source?

(Here the Event Manager, GIBSON, rises...) GIBSON: Thank you, ladies and gentlemen, but I believe time's up for this event.

PEST: (smiling) Yes, DUNCE, thank you very much.

DUNCE: (not budging) Ma'am, at least let them answer the question!!

PEST: ( already packing her bag, has no actual idea about the competition, is already thinking about which potion to brew next, and which socks to sew ) Oh, all right, answer the question.

(The Dronos team looks at each other, in amusement) Mr.2: Of course, the Airport Logs have the figure. Well, this was the figure in 2006....

DUNCE: (jumping) AHA!! I knew it!! NO credibility whatsoever...Do not make up fictional entities such as AIRPORT LOGS!! (Scratches his head)

( Laughter everywhere...Even as his own team mates try to budge away from him trying to distance themselves from the DUNCE, he, apparently gets more agitated)

DUNCE: Well, what if the same customer decides to go twice or thrice to the same airport? What about then, huh???

Mr.2: (Shoulders sag down to show the hopelessness of the situation, cannot believe that this idiot is actually asking more questions) Excuse me... I did say 4 million UNIQUE customers.

DUNCE: (finger in his mouth) Oh.

(Again, the EM, GIBSON stands up...he's had about enough...) GIBSON: Thank you, DUNCE. Now--

DUNCE: (paying no heed to GIBSON) What is the cost of your product?

(The Dronos team, just about to leave, looks at him in bewilderment) Ms.4: Cost?

DUNCE: Yes, cost. I am a consumer to you, and I want to know the cost of your product.

Ms.4: (looks at him as if she would press charges on him if he ever decided to become a consumer of their product) Well, obviously, no one can estimate the price of the product. This is not a marketing round; it's only an advertising one.

DUNCE: (scenting blood) Aha!! So you cannot even tell the cost of your product to me!! How can I be a concerned customer then?

PEST: (amused) Come, now, DUNCE... don't be so prickly.

DUNCE: Ma'am, but if I were them, then I would have done market research on my product! That too, with my lights shut!!

PEST: What YOU do with your lights shut is no one's concern, DUNCE.....

DUNCE: (amid loud sniggers, even from his own disgruntled team mates) No no!! Suppose I want to buy a packet of peanuts.
It would cost me 10 Rs. Now if you didn’t tell me the price of the product before hand, how would I buy it?

(Here the Dronos team looks at each other. Of course, even though the question is related to marketing strategy and not advertising, they can choose to ignore it. But after all, it IS a legitimate question.)

DUNCE: ( obviously has no idea of what he's talking, oblivious to the fact that he's just asked his first decent question, continues to blabber ) Suppose I had 100Rs. in my pocket. Now the product, if it costs me 50 Rs. only, how would I know?

GIBSON: Eh??

DUNCE: I would pay you the entire 100 Rs. and have no idea about the actual cost.

Ms. 3: ( as though she would love it if she over-priced the fool) Well, we cannot tell you the actual cost... but considering the consumer base we have, and what with the profit we are talking about, I'm sure it'll be decent sized.

(The DUNCE is apparently not amused.)

Ms. 4: You say you are a concerned customer. What is the actual cost of the watches in the luxury segment nowadays?

DUNCE: Uh.....

Mr.2: What about YOUR product...... if I asked you to tell me the price of each and every gift in your outlet, would you be able to do that?

Mr.5: Yes, with the transportation charges, too, obviously.

Mr.1: Do you even know the price of courier services and speed mail today? How will your prices be any different?

Mr.2: Of course it'll be different. In fact - they'll charge more to add the cost of setting up the website!!

(The DUNCE is at a loss for words. His team has already left...leaving him to his state. )

DUNCE: But...but....

GIBSON: (relieved) Thank you, Ma'am, and all contestants for your participation. Deputy EM's - If that man (points at DUNCE) says another word), drag him out of the Lecture theater please... Another event's about to begin.

Here I left the lecture Theater, obviously amused at the level of intellect that a national level tech-fest could latch up!!