Psyche Series - Seinfeld Quotes!!

I have been a Seinfeld fan for so long, it came as a surprise that I haven't yet compiled a list of my favorite quotes from this show. So here goes....

1. The idea behind the tuxedo is the woman's point of view that men are all the same; so we might as well dress them that way. That's why a wedding is like the joining together of a beautiful, glowing bride and some guy. The tuxedo is a wedding safety device, created by women because they know that men are undependable. So in case the groom chickens out, everybody just takes one step over, and she marries the next guy.

2. Telemarketer: Hi. Would you be interested in switching over to TMI Long Distance service?

Jerry: Oh, gee, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number and I'll call you later.

Telemarketer: Uh, sorry, we're not allowed to do that.

Jerry: Oh, I guess you don't want people calling you at home.

Telemarketer: No.

Jerry: Well, now you know how I feel.

[hangs up]

3. Cosmo Kramer: I was returning some pants. I took a short cut in a subway tunnel and fell in some mud, ruining my pants. The very pants I was returning.

Elaine: I don't understand - you were wearing the pants you were returning?

Cosmo Kramer: Well, I guess I was.

Elaine: What were you going to wear home?

Cosmo Kramer: Elaine, are you listening? I never even got there.

4. [Elaine comes in wearing Mayan clothes]

Jerry: Hola.

Elaine: Shove it.

Jerry: What's with the get up?

Elaine: I bought it all at Cinco De Mayo. I wanted to show Putumayo how much business they've lost so I've been strutting and dancing in front of their store all day.

Jerry: No wonder we've been getting so much rain.

5. "No soup for you!" --Soup Nazi

6. ON DATING:

...Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference between a date and a job interview is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

"Well, Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the job. Why don't you strip down and meet some of the people you'll be working with?"

...What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking, all the time, whenever it came to them? How long would a blind date last? About 13 seconds, I think. "Oh, sorry, your rear end is too big." "That's ok, your breath stinks anyway. See you later."

7. ON CLOTHES

...I once had a leather jacket that got ruined in the rain. Why does moisture ruin leather? Aren't cows outside a lot of the time? When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse, "Let us in! We're all wearing leather! Open the door! We're going to ruin the whole outfit here!"

8. TRAVELLING

...You know what I never get with the limo? The tinted windows. Is that so people don't see you? Yeah, what a better way not to have people notice you than taking a thirty foot Cadillac with a TV antenna and a uniformed driver. How discreet. Nobody cares who's in the limo. You see a limo go by, you know it's either some rich jerk or fifty prom kids with $1.75 each.

9. Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

10. "If I had a son, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer." - Kramer, in "The Handicapped Spot"

11. "After he heckled Toby, she got so upset she ran out of the building and a street sweeper ran over her foot and severed her pinky-toe."

"That's unbelievable!"

"Yeah, then after the ambulance left, I found the toe. So, I put it in a Cracker Jack box, filled it with ice and took off for the hospital."

"You ran?"

"No, I jumped on the bus. I told the driver, 'I got a toe here buddy. Step on it!'"

"Holy cow!"

"Yeah yeah, then all of a sudden this guy pulls out a gun. Well, I knew any delay's gonna cost her her pinky-toe, so I got out of the seat and I started walking towards him. He says, 'Where do you think you're going, Cracker Jack?' I says, 'Well, I got a little prize for you, buddy.' Pwaa! Pwaa! Keeyah! Knocked him out cold!"

"How could you do that?"

"Yeah, then everybody is screaming because the driver, he's passed out because of all the commotion. The bus is out of control! So I grab him by the collar, I take him out of the seat, I get behind the wheel... Now I'm driving the bus!"

"You're Batman."

"Yeah, I am Batman. Then the mugger, he comes to and he starts choking me. So, I'm fighting him off with one hand and I kept driving the bus with the other. Then I managed to open up the door and I kicked him out the door with my foot at the next stop."

"You kept making all the stops?"

"Well, people kept ringing the bell!"

"What about the toe? What happened to the toe?"

"Well, I am happy to say that the little guy is back in place at the end of the line."

"You did all this for a pinky-toe?"

"Well, it's a valuable appendage."

- Kramer, George and Jerry, in "The Fire"

12. "So let me get this straight. You find yourself in the kitchen, you see an eclair in the receptacle, and you think to yourself, 'What the hell, I'll just eat some trash.'"

"No no no no no. It was not trash."

"Was it in the trash?"

"Yes."

"Then it was trash."

"It wasn't down in. It was sort of on top."

"But it was in the cylinder."

"Above the rim."

"Adjacent to refuse is... refuse."

"It was on a magazine. And it still had the doily on."

"Was it eaten?"

"One little bite."

"Well, that's garbage."

"But I know who took the bite. It was her aunt."

"Well, you, my friend, have crossed the line that divides man and bum. You are now a bum."

- Jerry and George, in "The Gymnast"

13. Jerry : So were going to make the Post Office pay for my new stereo?

Kramer : It's just a write off for them.

Jerry : How is it a write off?

Kramer : They just write it off.

Jerry : Write it off what?

Kramer : Jerry all these big companies they write off everything

Jerry : You don't even know what a write off is.

Kramer : Do you?

Jerry : No. I don't.

Kramer : But they do and they are the ones writing it off.

Jerry : I wish I just had the last twenty seconds of my life back.

14. "I'll sniff out a deal. I have a sixth sense."

"Cheapness is not a sense."

- George and Jerry, in "The Reverse Peephole"

15. George: I am not giving you my code.

Kramer: I'll bet I can guess it.

George: Yeah, right.

Kramer: Ah, all right, yeah... Let's see... Well, we can throw out birthdays immediately. That's too obvious. And no numbers for you, you're a word man. Let's go deeper... What kind of man are you? Well, you're weak, spineless, a man of temptation.

George: uh...

Kramer: But what tempts you? You're a portly fellow. A bit long in the waistband. So what's your pleasure? Is it the salty snacks you crave? No no no no... Yours is a sweet tooth.

George: I gotta go.

Kramer: Oh, you may stray, but you'll always return to your dark master... The cocoa bean! And only the purest syrup nectar can satisfy you. If you could, you'd guzzle it by the gallon... Ovaltine!? Hershey!? Nestle Quick!?"

George: Shut up!

16. “According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.”

17. Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? "Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel."

Check out this video - 100 quick quotes from Seinfeld - very funny! :)