Wednesday, December 1, 2010

What's Wrong with Mah English?

The more precise among you must have realized by now what I'm referring to.  For those among you who haven't, just go back to your facebook home page (in a seperate tab, of course), and you'll find the following words aplenty... I have just picked a few from my homepage right now.


Eg: Kp (instead of Keep), cll (for college!)m the dreaded Mah.

I think the worst offender is Mah, though. No doubt the others can be put down to the not-so-trendy-any-more usage of SMS lingo - but what the hell is the deal with Mah?

Ok firstly, the SMS lingo being referred to was probably (hopefully the more discerning amongst you will appreciate that I used PROBABLY instead of the time-saving PROLLY) invented to save time while using the slightly human-unfriendly keypads on cell phones (as compared to laptops/PC's). Now what's the use of using them on a regular keyboard? Does the extra 0.00003 second that you save help you in any way? Does it prolong your life span? Does it improve your IQ? Does it give the additional freedom to take a bite out of your sandwich while you type?

No.

In fact, more time is spent on COMING UP with the idea for the perfect time-saving spelling of a word, than is saved by using it.

Now back to Mah.

I'll plagiarize this conversation I had with my friends the other day. Hell, I was part of the conversation, so it can't be termed as "plagiarized", but what the heck.

Cast: Surendra Singh Chaplot, Nikhil Balchander, Amit Abbi, Kiran Kannan and me.


Scene: Discussion on between friends who met after some six odd years. Topic: I'll be blown if I remember.

NB: You know Varun, I was reading your FB note the other day.

(I had been writing like mad for the past few days, so) Me: Which one?

NB: Wohi, GRE vocab list wala. (For those among you unfamiliar with my work, refer to: http://www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=144477312234689 )

Me: Oh. Well, It rang from the heart.

NB: You know lots of people have asked me the same thing.

SSC: What what tell me.

(Discussion about the note) Rhubbabubbabbubbab...

KK (checks cell phone, smiles at an SMS, details of which both escape my mind and are anyway not relevant to topic here): Check this out. XYZXYZXYZ Mah dog ate it!

NB: "Mah"?

AA: Even I was thinking the same thing. Yeh "Mah" kya cheez hai bhai.

KK: Arey I was just reading whatever is there in the message.

NB (the eternal prankster): Saale kutte tu apni maa ko dog bulata hai!

KK: Abey "Mah" ka matlab "My" hota hai.

All start laughing.


Oh yeah by the way I did not include the conversation because it is funny (which it isn't, in this context. Trust me, it was funny when it happened. We went to talk about Mah home, Mah college, Mah-a-Bharat-aa and what have you.) I only included it to tell you what motivated me to write this note.

So what the bleep is Mah. Why would you want to replace My with Mah?

1. "My" is smaller. Only two letters, for the time-conscious. "Mah" has friggin' three.2.  I know many people who believe that the rap lingo (Afro-American for the more sensitive reader) is cooler. I know many guys who are friggin' brown yet believe that NBA jerseys, thick chains, tilted caps and French beards make them look like MC Hammer or something. Oh yeah and when most of these dudes open their mouths to speak, they look more like MC Stammer or something. "Mah" is a word for these guys. 3. "Mah" neither looks cool, nor sounds it. I mean look at it - M and H in one word in rapid succession? Most of the sane people I know have rolled their eyes every single time they came across "Mah".


Anyways, by now, if you as the reader aren't bored yet, I as the author certainly am. I have just realized that I have lost the last twenty something minutes of Mah life writing abt smpn dat ll crtainly nt rank amng Mah literary achivmnts. So Gn all, ggwphf.

Statutory Warning: This note was prolly so crappy that even the author does not mind if you decide to copy/plagiarize the work as your own, by any means, be it written, typed, electronic. And those among you offended by the note, (I have just reread it, and can only find that the "many guys who are friggin' brown yet believe that NBA jerseys, thick chains, tilted caps and French beards" may be among the concerned party), who cares. Sue me.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Why We must Mock all Relegation Talk about Liverpool

No doubt the last few weeks have been quite entertaining (as a neutral observer), in terms of the off-the -field controversies, the high-court dramas, the stubborn owners, the protests, and what have you. But amidst all this, supporters and fans have forgotten about the on-field “problems” as well; choosing to turn a blind-ish eye towards the team’s dismal results on the pitch.

Note how I maintain them to be dismal “results”, and not “performances”. No doubt the more enlightened will tend to raise an unwavering finger here, and point out that performances reflect results. But in my opinion: do they really?

One look at the current scenario at the Kop will tell you the ground realities.

We have been seeing from before the season itself; that before every match, the Captain or the Manager, or other Icons at the LFC mention how one win will set the pace for the rest of the season. That the same tosh has been reiterated before almost every match has not been lost on the viewers and supporters, and hence the growing concern over the club’s downhill trend.

What are we now, seven games into one of the most competitive league in the world? And with one win to show from these, languishing in the relegation zone, with the imminent threat of administration at the club, which will further dock another 9 points, no doubt my sympathies are with the fans.

But let’s get things into perspective.

Firstly, Hodgson is as good a manager as he ever was: it’s only that the manager is as good as his players and vice versa that has placed him under so much fire. And to replace him with Dalglish? I mean, yes, it is the era of Texting and Twitter, but giving a manager around a dozen games to prove himself with a new squad before booting him out, seems quite ridiculous. And to replace him with Dalglish? I concede that Dalglish was a great player in his own rights, but look at his recent past – the man hasn’t coached or managed a team for close to ten years, since his unceremonious exit from Celtic. Whereas Hodgson has shown us some miracles with Fulham as recently as last season, leading them to the finals of a European tournament.

Moreover, the EPL is quite competitive as it is, it does not come as a surprise that a team not at it’s best goes down the pecking order. But if anything could be seen from Liverpool’s display against Manchester United or in the second half against Blackpool (both of which they lost), it is that they are actually a decent team in the making. Maybe the then ongoing off-field legal battles had taken the spring out of their step. Maybe the team was  still gelling together.

And from all the newspaper-rubble that I go through, also comes the unceasing attacks on Fernando Torres. Not that I will adjudge his present form a product of bad luck and injuries. But the fact that his best season for Liverpool came around two years ago, and yet despite his unconvincing performances since then, he has still managed to capture the terror and topics of defenders and columnists alike, says one thing about the man: that he definitely is still a force to be reckoned with, with soem fuel left in the tank.

All in all, a Premier League without Liverpool is simply unthinkable. One can only hope that the dreary era is behind us, and we can finally see some positive results.

Sunday, July 25, 2010

What Guys Feel about Girls (but don't say out Loud) - A Frank Letter to all Gals

Why should I bring this up? If we don't say it out loud, it better stay put in our minds, right? Well, most of this stuff is what we assume you know, but in fact you don't (most of the time). And guess what - most guys feel the same way, and probably just don't have the guts (or are too nice) to tell them to you directly.

NOTE: As goes usually with my notes, the Bad Guy notice - no offense is meant to anyone, and all comments and criticisms welcome! This ain't just my personal opinion, and any guy who vehemently disparages my points is either faking to impress his girlfriend, or is really, just really lucky.

So here goes. 


1. NO, YOU DON'T LOOK FAT!

Guys don't care as much about their weight, let alone yours. Oh sure, the impression stands that a guy is more attracted to a girl with a great body, but in no way does that mean putting on a couple of pounds will make you any less likeable. Oh, I know, reading the last sentence, you'd be all like "Oh my God, did he just say a couple of POUNDS?" But face it - Unless the guy is a trainer for the losebellyfat.com or some similar site, and runs marathons every day for fun, and has a 19-pack abs, he simply doesn't care that much. So next time that you ask him, "Does this make me look fat?", expect the same monotonous response you'd get if you asked, "Was the dish I made really good?" :D


2. WE KNOW YOU CAN ALSO GROW FACIAL HAIR - JUST DON'T TELL US ABOUT HOW YOU TAKE THEM OUT.

Face it. It's no secret. I don't know whether you gals actually enjoy going to the parlor, and use all the hot waxes and whatnot concoctions, but guess what - all the guys get the creeps when you tell them about your exploits in that salon. Don't sport a Rajnkanth-esque stache (or like a villain from the old Western films - who keeps twirling his), anything else is almost fine. We do understand that you want to look good, but a couple of millimeters is nothing to freak out about.


3. WE LIKE IT WHEN YOU PUT YOUR ARM AROUND OURS.

Yea, and you don't have to be a girlfriend to do it! If you are close to a guy, he'll be quite happy to guide you. It gives us a sense of responsibility, and also help make other guys (and couples) jealous! :P


4. WE ACCEPT THE FACT THAT THERE MIGHT BE MORE GOOD-LOOKING GIRLS THAN THERE ARE GUYS.

Oh, save the tosh.. We know that you compare notes behind our backs, we know that you all think you can do a lot better, and we all understand that (at least in India), we might not all turn out to be Brad Pitts and Tom Cruise(s). How many times have we heard the old "99% of girls blah blah beautiful 1% blah blah my college" and how many times have we seen girls roll their eyes at this? We already know that your response is, "Look in the mirror, you perv, before you comment on the girls!" It's just an ego thing, you know.


5. DON'T PLAY GAMES.

This is one that I'm sure all the guys will agree on unanimously. If there are movies I absolutely retch at, it's the kind of movies where the girls gang up and manipulate others. Guess what - MAJOR TURNOFF! If you like the guy, just tell him. If he freaks out, then console him - straight to his face. If he's into you but you feel you aren't quite there yet, tell him so. The guy might feel bad - but will appreciate your honesty. Don't - and I repeat - DON'T leave him hanging at any point. Not only does it kill us - but in retrospect, we won't like to be seen anywhere even remotely around you again.


6. YUP, WE CARE ABOUT OUR LOOKS - BUT NOT AS MUCH AS YOU DO ABOUT YOURS.

Yea, yea, we all have seen Shahid Kapoor and his ads about whitening and fairness creams for men, and we all have used the infamous BrylCreem at some point or the other in our lives. We gives reasons such as "sunscreen" or "pollution", or even "cosmopolitan", but fact is, we take care of ourselves. We pick our clothes carefully, we think thrice before buying a deo. But that is the extent to which we might go. So don't go picking out clothes for him or keep commenting on his attire. Unless he is a Communist and wears only drab clothing, or else his mother has picked up his shirts for him, understand that his clothes were his choice and he won;t necessarily take your criticism constructively.


7. THE "IT'S NOT YOU - IT'S ME".

We've all heard this one. Don't even try it; it's a man's line, not yours. And don't pull it on us unless you have feelings for another guy and then want to break up. Even if you do so, tell us the guy's name, and give us a chance to fight for you at the very least. Unless of course the guy is that big a mighty jackass and you never really felt anything for him anyway.


8. NOT ALL OF YOUR MALE FRIENDS ARE TRYING TO HIT ON YOU.

Not even if you're a swimsuit model on the cover of Vogue magazine, will all your male buddies be trying to impress you. From where do you (referring to only some girls) get the impression that everyone has put on an act to woo you? We are as bored and irritated of putting on an act as you are.


9. IF WE SUPPORT YOU DURING A DARK PHASE IN YOUR LIFE, IT DOESN'T MEAN WE ARE TRYING TO WOO YOU, IT MEANS WE CARE.

We've all seen the movies where the do-goody best friend is finally the long-lost love that the heroine is waiting for. We didn't WANT to watch it - but you made us do. But guess what. Unless the guy is a total jerk - in which case this post isn't written about him - we really want to take care, and make sure you are okay by the end of your ordeal. No, we are not hitting on you. No, we don't even have an ulterior motive. And no, we do not expect anything in return. We just want a smile on your face and a "Thank you" will do just fine as well.

10. WE HAVE OUR LIVES. 

Just like you, we have our very real lives, with real people, real problems, real emotions. We might not be the best at talking about them, or might not even want to, but it doesn't mean we don't have them. Do NOT expect us at your beck and call every single time and make a big fuss if we can't make it once in a while. On the other hand, listen to the guy once in a while, try and find out what he thinks.

In the end, all these things (and maybe a few more I missed) are what make us who we are. All the tosh about guys maturing later than girls or not growing up is just rot. We appear immature to be cool. We are brash, aggressive, and quite adept at lying. (Oh yeah.) But we still have our conscience, and we use it when required. So do not judge us after watching us during a basketball match where we had an altercation with another player. Guess what? We like you too. :D

Saturday, July 24, 2010

About Divorce and Plastic Surgery

WARNING: Not my own work. No offense meant to any one. Taken from a comedy show.

Titus: "Every time a relationship goes bad, you've got hints. Like two years before my relationship ended she got a boob job. And people, if you've been married for more than five years and she wants to get a boob job, well...SHE AIN'T GETTING IT FOR YOU!...She's trolling for Idiot B! 'Coz you haven't lived up to her financial expectations!

"In the two years before my divorce, my wife got new hair, new nose, new boobs, new lips....I rebuilt this b"""ch from the ground up, man! It was a frame of restoration!...

"Ladies, i want to be very clear. I am not anti-boob-job. As long as you don't use them for evil! But don't get what you think men want. Men want something that looks good on you - don't go crazy. My ex- went INSANE, man. In my opinion she got boobs four sizes bigger than she should have, if she was five feet taller than she already is. She's 5'2", and got boobs to fit Shaquille O'Neal. They had to modify her skeleton to hold them up! The strippers association filed a grievance!...

"And California is a no-fault state. You get half the assets on divorce. Well, plastic surgery's an asset! I WANT HALF THE PLASTIC SURGERY BACK! And i don't want a cash settlement. I want leave the court with a JAR."